Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A Beginning and An End

I said, "Hi."
I said, "Hello."
You only sighed
And looked


I said,
"See you later,
You replied,
"After never,


(para kay Crabcake)

Sa tunay na nag-iibigan,
walang dapat paalam.

Walang pagkalas,
walang paglisan.

Sa tunay na umiibig,
walang dapat pumipigil.

Walang lihim,
walang kinikimkim.

Sa tunay na pagmamahalan,
walang dapat mamagitan.

Walang karamdaman,
walang kamatayan.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Bakit Crabcake?

As we were getting to know each other, we both discovered that we have a liking for crabs. They are our to-die-for favorite food. We want them steamed so the organic taste remains supreme and paramount. Yummy.

Postscript: Yes Crabcake, I'll make himay for you. The way you like it. I know how. You'll get all the meat and the aligue.


None of the truest things in life - like love or faith - was arrived at by thinking. Indeed, one could almost define the things that mattered as the ones that come as sudden as thunder.
I will never forget that morning in January of 2006. It was the day of victory for the Pacman; the start of his winning streak. It was also the day I would be victorious over life and love. Finally, the stars in the universe have realigned and the cosmos has decided to deliver a gift.

It would be today that I'd meet the one that would be The One in my life. The love of my life. My Crabcake.

Soundtrack: That after all the lonely years, the searching everywhere...

It started with an anonymous text:

21 m, 5'11", gymfit, mestizo here. what's yours?

I never really paid attention to it. Why should I? It could've been a missent message. Or a prank. Worse, it may be a ploy to dish out nasty stuff from me and use these for blackmail. I've seen too many conspiracy movies. Paranoia is my life.

But as the cosmos had a grand plan, at midday, I broke out from my recluse shell and replied:

who's this?

He explained how he just randomly punched in my mobile number, that he had nothing to do, and he wanted to be friends...This exchange of text messages would culminate in a long phone call where we tried to present and validate each other's histories, seemingly a pre-requisite ritual to call ourselves "friends" ... until we got tired and felt sleepy.

* * *

I remembered my self laughing a lot...my boisterous laughter and Crabcake's distinct giggle that was pure and innocent and beautiful. It was pleasantly reassuring that this was real; he was real. We were for real no matter what.

I laid awake for hours. I couldn't sleep. I was happy. I was excited. I was hopeful. I felt magic.

* * *

A friend once sent me this SMS: "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

Postscript: I still dream a lot about you, Crabcake. I do. All the time, I am awake and waiting for you to come.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

My Theory of (D)evolution

I see my reflection on the mirror. The image I see is familiar but I do not recognize him. The articulate eyes give it away. Their zest and energy have turned into twin pools of somber and lethargy. The innocence lost, replaced by concupiscence.

A lot has happened to this canvass of a face over time. The pale lines and the iridescent scars say it all. The boyish streaks of demeanor have faded. The hues of a once charming, youthful spectacle of a face have turned into a tired, embittered expression of doom. The lightness of good looks now disfigured. The shadows of ugliness have made manifest.

To behold this is disturbing.

I am shattered.

I resolve to remember what happened. Unless I remember, I will not understand why this is now. But to remember is to dig up old graves long forgotten. It is to open wounds long ignored, to invoke evil spirits long cast away. I have lived beneath the clouds of pretense, under the umbrella of a whim that I have moved on. But in reality I have not. My past haunts me. It cripples me. It catches up with me and I cannot move and walk towards the future. The truth is, I have been a wobbling wounded person all this time. I limp. I stumble. I may have licked my wounds and pretended to walk but no true healing ever took place. Pain has crept into my being and became unbearable.

I remember that line from Antonia’s Line: “It is not true that time heals all wounds. It just softens the pain and blurs the memory.”

The veneer of normalcy has got to cease. My wounds need redressing. I need to mend this brokenness and maybe, hopefully, forgive myself in the process. To become well and probably whole again. That is my redemption. I know, this will be an arduous telltale.

“Begin.”, I said.

I know he won’t stop until he is heard.

And he goes to the closet and brings out the skeletons he has hidden for years.

He begins, “It was the best time of the year and it was the worst time of the year.”

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Life's but
A walking shadow,
A poor player
That struts itself and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more.

- William Shakespeare

Never Say Never

I'm posting the lyrics of Trick of Fate, written by David Friedman, sung by Valerie Pinkston for the movie Trick.

I never thought I'd find someone like you
Though in my every fantasy I saw you everyday

I thought there was no way - to make my dream come true

I always thought that I would be alone

Afraid to dream that anyone was ever gonna see

The love inside of me - but how could I have known

A trick of fate would bring us together

A trick of fate would alter our lives

We had to wait it seemed like forever

But never say never to a trick of fate

What were the chances I'd be here with you

That after all the lonely years of searching everywhere

I'd turn and you'd be there - from clear, out of the blue

Our lives are in the hands of destiny

And though we try to take control
That's not the way it goes - a higher power knows

How it's supposed to be

A trick of fate brought us together

A trick of fate altered our lives

We had to wait it seemed like forever

But never say never to a trick of fate

And now, something has begun - something very new

And suddenly the future's looking bright

Somehow when two hearts beat as one, fairy tales come true

And anything seems possible tonight

A trick of fate brought us together
A trick of fate altered our lives

We had to wait it seemed like forever

But never say never to a trick of fate

It just goes to show
That you never know
Where love's gonna grow
It's a trick of fate

Understanding this song, I couldn't help but think about Crabcake. My Crabcake. Our meeting may have been like a trick, but in our hearts, we know it is the real thing.

We were for real.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Sweet Nothings

I remember succinctly this pitch I delivered to a group of young people about finding The One.

(Shrills heard. Excited ang mga leche basta lovelife at paglalandi ang topic.)

I think I was talking about the relevance of nonverbal communication when I segued into that moment when one feels that he could sit on a bench the whole day with someone and talk about nothing. Yea, just sit together and talk about nothing, and then part ways and feel that what happened was the best conversation you've had with someone.

(Am reading "DUH!" on their eyes. Must be morons. Still I persist.)

I mean, words are very powerful tools. Remember the adage about sticks and stones breaking the bones but words breaking another's heart? We go through our basic education trying to read and write and speak properly. We study English and Filipino until college. We struggle to master Grammar/Balarila and Rhetorics/Retorika. We may even take up a foreign language or two. All in the name of becoming adept in articulation. Also , we have an abundance of literary pieces. Plus the proliferation of blogs, di ba? Words convey meaning. They have power.

But I was thinking, what if we all ran out of things to say, what if we grow speechless at one moment...or what if we were able to say and write all ideas already...? What then?

(Silence. No reaction. Mga jologs ata...ayaw ng literary eclat.)

I couldn't help but think of my teacher in college, in my Pilosopiya ng Tao class, when he kept saying when he ran out of things to discuss as the bell hasn't rung yet: "Kapag nasabi na ang lahat ng masasabi, ang mahalaga ay di pa rin masasabi." I'm thinking, marahil ito ay magagawa at mararamdaman o maipadarama lamang. But that's just me.

(More listlessness. Was that a yawn? And a another yawn? Ampootah, interesting naman topic ko ah.)

To land on a better terrain of familiarity and solicit any sign of comprehension from my catatonic audience, I mentioned the theme song of my favorite Julia Roberts movie, Notting Hill. Yeah, that cheesecake song, "When You Say Nothing At All." Hey, I had to drive a point on nonverbal communication!

(Faces light up. They dig schmaltz. As if.)

My parting shot: Paraphrasing the song, a smile, a look, a touch can express a lot. Words may not be spoken at all but surely with these, one can tell a lot. And say it with me: "You say it best, when you say nothing at all."

(Screams let out. Some clapping. Mush sells.)

Flashback: Oh yea, the last scene of the film was Hugh Grant sitting on a bench and Julia Roberts lying on his lap, and they were saying nothing at all...LOL.

I rest my case. Roll credits.

Postscript: I could spend an eternity with Crabcake on a bench and exchange sweet nothings with him. Yea, Crabcake was The One for me.

Trick of Fate

I have a good friend from way back who made me watch the movie, Trick. The story which happens in a day's time is about two guys who meet in a train. Attraction develops instantly and both decide to make out . (Hence, the title.) But the gods of gay love have other plans as the couple couldn't get it on with each other (LOL). They become confronted by a myriad of personalities (led by the faghag bestfriend) who are merely ploys to stop them from a one night stand that should have been over hours ago. What ensues is like a comedy of errors of sort with no making out in sight...Not yet at least.

This movie by Jim Fall is deliriously funny. The banter is witty, the songs and the singing riotously entertaining. I was so entertained that I've watched it a lot of times. I've been fascinated by movies that happen in 24 hours. I wanna write a screenplay with the same time line, but I am digressing already. Little did I know that my repetitive viewing of Trick is a prelude to the two most important encounters of my life.

Each of them came like an unexpected trick. Enter you...voila it's Crabcake!

Then Skyflakes.

Tricks of fate indeed.

Postscript: I fell in love with the movie's theme song, Trick of Fate. Nicely written lyrics. Maybe schmaltz for others but hey, it's "soul" music to me.