The End of the World

for Crabcake, TLOML

Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don't they know, it's the end of the world? 'Cause you don't love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing? Why do the stars glow above? Don't they know, it's the end of the world? It ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder, Why ev'rything is the same as it was. I can't understand, no, I can't understand, How life goes on the way it does!

Why does my heart go on beating? Why do these eyes of mine crying? Don't they know, it's the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye.

Don't they know, it's the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye.

I was hoping against hope. I was counting on a leap of faith. Why? Why?

Possible

You're a whore. Men have the best sex of their lives with you. But make no mistake, the only worthwhile sex is when both parties are doing it to please themselves first. I had no idea what was physically possible between two boys until we kissed.

- from the film, Boy Culture

M2M Part 1

Out of the blue, my friend Satxi asked me, "What's your favorite gay film?"

I told him, "Marami eh."

This got me thinking. By "favorite", this means that I have seen these films over and over again. May films kase na okay panoorin nang paulit-ulit, meron namang hindi. Kung bakit at paano 'yon is another topic. I am digressing.

Anyway, here are my picks:

1. Trick (1999) by Jim Fall. This film happens in almost real-time setting. Overnight lang. It is like a gay comedy of errors type of film. It centers on two guys who want to get off but can't seem to find a place to do it. It is very enjoyable to watch - nice original songs (Enter You, Trick of Fate), good lines (It's big. It's beautiful and you're gonna love it!), a motley crew of interesting personalities, cute men, and lots of cute men. Fag hag Tori Spelling gives her best performance to date, a role that is foil to the two leads' characters (cutey Christian Campbell who plays a playwright and sexy John Paul Pitoc who plays a go-go boy). This film never fails to make me believe in love; that love is out there, waiting to be found by me. Recommended after a break-up, when you're ready to fall in love again.
(Say it with me, "CHEESY!")





2. Latter Days (2003) by C. Jay Cox. This film tries to be a treatise on the stand of religion against homosexuality in the guise of a romantic flick. Though it deals with a serious subject matter, the film is actually light viewing - a lot of banter and exchange of witty lines (gay and fag hags vs. straight homophobes). There are a lot of interesting characters who are funny by themselves. Of course the highlight would have to be that scene in the hotel...Not telling you anymore. In the end, it is essentially a romantic film. Hay, ang sarap umibig! (Say it with me, "CHEESY"!)





3. Boy Culture (2006) by Q. Allan Brocka. This film is based on a novel of the same title by Matthew Rettenmund, published in 1995. It is the story of X, a successful escort who describes in a series of confessions his tangled, emotionally- convoluted romantic relationships with his two roommates and an older, enigmatic client. The mood of the film is light yet serious, makes you think about a lot of things while events unravel and the characters throw their lines in the film to each other. What impresses me more about this film is its honest depiction of a gay man's emotional journey towards finding his self, his heart, his soul (that have all been lost because of his job as a hustler). I read from Wikipedia that this film has won several awards. Please watch it.





4. Eating Out (2004) by Q. Allan Brocka. This film series (check out also Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds and Eating Out 3: Eat All You Can) is about a scheming gay protagonist, willingly helped by his fag hag best friends, who will do every trick he knows (read: EVERYTHING), just to get the guy he wants. All this happens in a parallel universe where the gay guy always gets his prince charming, where they live happily ever after. The plot may be campy and contrived at times, but it is entertainment at its best. Part 4 will be out soon. Enjoy!










I am listing more films next time.

Mga parekoy, what are your favorite gay films?

G for Gerald (Part 2)

Pumunta kami sa likod ng stage at sabi niya na may gusto raw siya na ipakita. Patay ang mga ilaw. Madilim ang buong paligid maliban sa konting liwanag na mula sa poste sa labas. Nang magtanong ako kung bakit kami nandoon ay bigla niyang ibinaba ang kanyang pantalon, kasama ang brief.


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"Gusto ko 'to ipakita sa yo.", sabi ni Gerald. Tinignan ko ang mukha ni Gerald. Nakangiti sya. All smile. Lalong lumakas ang dating ni Gerald. Kung looks lang ang usapan ay lamang ako sa kanya pero may kakaibang appeal si Gerald. May X factor. Yung itsura nya ay parang may libog parati sa mata. Kaya sexy siyang tignan. Times one hundred yon ngayon. Lalo pa't nakahubad sya sa pang-ibaba nya. Nagkamalisya ako bigla kay Gerald.

Damage control, ang nasa instinct ko.

"Gago. Ano yan?!", ang pagmamaang-maangan ko.

"Hawakan mo", ang utos nya sa kin. Kahit sa konting liwanag na nasa backstage, kitang-kita ko pa rin sa mga mata nya ang tuwa sa nangyayari sa amin. Parang may twinkle ang mga ito - it's like he's enjoying this very moment. At yung nguso nya, it was pointing down, towards his exposed manhood. Pilyo talaga tong si Gerald, ang naisip ko.

Naging defensive ako, I don't wanna lose control in this awkward situation. "Ayaw ko nga. Meron din ako nyan. Tara na baka mahuli pa tayo dito.", sabi ko sa kanya.

Biglang hinawakan ni Gerald ang crotch area ko. Tapos sabi nya, "May hard-on ka rin. Di ka natuturn-on?" Sinumulang niyang himasin yung bahaging yon.

"Alis na tayo, baka mahuli tayo.", ang pakiusap ko sa kanya.

Di sya masaway sa paghimas sa aking pagkalalake at para tumigil na ko sa pagtutol ay hinalikan nya ko. We kissed. Torrid kissing. French kiss. Yup, it felt good. Masarap sa pakiramdam kaya I gave in already. All my defenses, gone. Kinuha nya kamay ko at iniligay sa kanyang ari. Ginabayan nya kamay ko para magtaas-baba sa kanyang etits. Di ko na namalayan na bukas na zipper ko at hawak na rin ni Gerald ang akin. We were stroking each other's dicks while kissing passionately. It felt good.

Tinanggal nya ang butones ng pantalon ko, ibinaba ang black pants ko, at ibinaba rin brief ko. Lumuhod sya sa harap ko and went down on me. Di ko inaasahan 'yon. We were like 13 years old then, first year high school pa lang. Big deal na ang blow job! Dati-rati'y quota na ko pag i-kiss ako at ijack-off ako. This felt good. At si Gerald pa ang gumagawa sa kin nito.

After a while, I came in his mouth. May sasarap pa ba sa pakiramdam ko na yon? Heaven yon.

Gerald spat and went up on me. Hinalikan nya ko ulit. Ganun pala lasa non. Kahit idinura nya, nalasahan ko pa rin. Kinda weird pero okay lang naman. Sa patuloy naming halikan, na-arouse ako ulit. Naramdaman yun ni Gerald at hinawakan nya ako roon ulit. Natawa sya. Parang in disbelief ang tawa nya kase may hard-on ako ulit. Pagkatapos non ay binulungan ako ni Gerald na sya naman daw. Medyo hesitant ako but what the hey. Return the favor.

In less than two minutes down there, narating din ni Gerald ang langit.

We kissed again. Ilang minuto rin yon. Nag-ayos na kami ng mga sarili namin and walked out of the backstage of the auditorium na parang walang nangyari.

Pagkatapos ng tagpong yon, sa tuwing magkakatinginan kami ni Gerald, may malisya na mga tinginan namin. May kahulugan na ang mga ngiti. Ewan ko kung napansin yon ng ibang classmates namin. Iba ata impact ng first time talaga.

Naulit pa yon ng ilang beses. Medyo experimental ang iba doon, we tried different stuff. Blame it on our hormones...We were teenagers exploring our bodies.

Top Ten Unforgettable Dyug-dyug Places ni Dencio Padilla

Sa ngalan ng spontaneity, adventure, thrill, at kakaibang kati na dapat kamutin kaagad, may mga lugar na sadyang hindi ko malilimutan dahil sa mga ito naganap ang mga di malilimutang dyug-dyug sa buhay ko.

Eto ang countdown ko:

10. Kotse - Kung ilang beses nangyari dito, honestly, di ko na mabilang. Dito 'yung pinakamadali at murang lugar para sa pagpaparaos kung may ka-eyeball ka. Hihihi. Magpark lang sa medyo madilim, at walang masyadong tao na dumaraan, maaring patayin ang makina at aircon or hindi, at pwede na ang walang puknat na aksyon. Pwede rin na pumwesto kayo sa backseat for more space. Mas may advantage kung nakapanther black tint ang kotse mo. Hehehe.

9. Lodge or motel - Sa maniwala kayo at hindi, may disenteng motel na 150Php lang, good for three hours na. Mura di ba? Kung worth it naman ang FuBu mo or partner mo, at balak mong hanggang two to three rounds ay dapat sa motel na lang kayo. Mas maraming space - sa kama, sa shower, or sa loveseat. May free porn pa. Ayos!

8. Silong ng bahay - Ang mga lumang bahay ay parang may silong o basement sa kung saan tinatago ang mga bagay at gamit na hindi na ginagamit. Ang iba sa mga andito ay mga antiques na...Isipin mo ang eksenang binabottom mo ang kalaro mo habang naglalakad ang lola mo sa taas nyo at naririnig ang langitngit ng tabla o flooring na gawa sa kahoy bilang background music nyo. May cinematic potential.

7. Cubicle ng isang public CR - Received head inside one. Hindi niya ko tinigilan hangga't hindi ako nilabasan pero habang ginagawa niya ay tumitingin ako sa taas ng pinto dahil baka mahuli kami ng naglilinis at nakakahiya. Buti naman dahil walang bantay at nakaraos kami! Success!

6. Shangri-La Mall Cinema 2 - LFS at less than ten lang ang nasa orchestra section. Naging naughty ang kasama ko at ayun, pinaglaruan na. Hanggang sa ilabas ito at sinimulang pisilin...Binate. Hanggang isubo na...Yun na! Double feature pala kapag last full show sa Shangri-La.

5. Bathroom ng hotel room - May conference kami at kanya-kanyang room mate. Ang isang pilyong manliligaw ay nagtext at pupunta raw dahil may kailangan. 1 AM na. Emergency raw. Nang nasa harap na siya ng pinto ng room, nagtext. Binuksan ko. Pumasok at hinila ako sa banyo. Naglock at hinubaran na ako. Subo, lunok. Ang siste, ang lahat ng ito ay nagaganap habang tulog ang room mate ko sa isang bed. Para-paraan lang talaga! Ang himbing ng tulog ko pagkatapos!

4. Infirmary - Maysakit ako at pinastay sa infirmary. May sakit din siya. Cutey. Cutey sa cutey. Di na siya nakapagpigil at lumapit sa akin. Kiss tapos kapa. Binuksan ang zipper ko at pinaglaruan hanggang dumura. All this habang ang nurse ay nasa table niya at nagroroll ng cotton balls!

3. Chapel - Wala naman yung Blessed Sacrament. Tinanggal. After ng earthquake non. Pinatulog kami sa chapel kase mas safe daw dun at baka magkaroon ng maraming aftershocks. Delikado na magstay sa dorm. Hayun dun nangyari. Two guys and me. Go figure.

2. Burnham Park - Dun sa may damuhan, sa gitna ng park, kapag takipsilim na. Pwede don na sumimple. I should know. Sa dami ng tao, di ka na masyado mapapansin. Makakaraos.

1. Victory Liner Bus - Eto na yung pinakawild and dangerous siguro dahil maraming sakay ang bus going to Dau, Pampanga. Bakante yung nasa opposite side namin. Isang bakante sa harap namin at may mga nakaupo na sa lahat ng upuan sa harap namin. Madalas pa ang pag-ikot ng konduktor. Nagsimula lang sa holding hands, ikiniskis ko sa crotch ko ang kamay niya, at ayun, nilabas na ang akin at sinimulang isubo. Mabuti na lang at hindi nahalata kung bakit lulubog-lilitaw ang ulo ng kasama ko. Yup, I came; we came in Dau pa rin.

Kayo, san ang mga unforgettable places nyo? Baka gusto nyo i-share.

G for Gerald (Part 1)

Batchmate ko si Gerald since grade school. Pero di naman kami close. Classmates lang. Kanya-kanyang barkada.

Itong si Gerald, alam ko na pilyo at medyo loko. Ako yung nerdy type noong grade school. Palibhasa gusto kong nasa honors' list ako kaya kailangang behaved ako lagi. Siya naman ay kasama sa grupo ng mga laging nasa Noisy list at pinapatawag sa Guidance Counselor's Office kasi nga maraming kalokohan.

Noong high school, anim kami na nanggaling sa same grade school na pumasok sa all-boys academy. Since magkakakilala kami, kaming anim ang naging magkakasama noong una. Madalas ko nang maka-interact si Gerald at ang iba ko pang classmates noong elementary.

Dahil nga naughty by nature, madalas akong lokohin ni Gerald. Parang pinagtitripan ako at nagpapapansin. Di ko yun gusto. Di naman kami ganun ka-close. Pero sige lang, sinasakyan ko lang mga biro nya.

Ang mga birong yon ay mas naging madalas. Umabot pa sa parang harutan na - yung kukurutin ang nipples mo, yung tutusukin ng daliri ang pisngi ng puwet mo. Syempre kailangang gumanti kaya maghahabulan hanggang makaganti...May tagpo pa nga na parang may touching na ng birdie ko. Of course, all in the spirit of lokohan. All-boys school nga, di ba? May ganoon na mga lokohan talaga. Walang malisya. Nagkakatuwaan lang.

Napansin ko na may mga panahong nakatitig si Gerald sa akin during vacant period namin. Parang may iniisip. Kapag nagtagpo ang aming mga mata, iiwas niya ang kanya. May times naman na parang may gusto siyang sabihin, through his eyes, pero di niya ma-articulate sa akin. May naikuwento pa nga siya na napanaginipan daw niya ko. Tinanong ko kung ano pero iniba naman nya ang usapan. Weird ng mokong.

Until one day, Gerald approached me and said na may sasabihin siya sa akin. Mag-meet daw kami sa may auditorium ng 6PM. Umoo ako, not suspecting anything.

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Pumunta kami sa likod ng stage at sabi niya na may gusto raw siya na ipakita. Patay ang mga ilaw. Madilim ang buong paligid maliban sa konting liwanag na mula sa poste sa labas. Nang magtanong ako kung bakit kami nandoon ay bigla niyang ibinaba ang kanyang pantalon, kasama ang brief.

Excuses...Excuses

Oo na. Tama kayo. I am long on excuses and short on writing new posts.

Naging busy sa career. May kinareer din. Medyo nadistract sa maraming bagay. Medyo nakalimutan ko na nga ang blog na ito. Pasensya.

Gusto ko na ulit magkwento. Maraming kwento. Kailangan lang ng will power para maisulat ko ang mga ito. Sige, susubukan kong ikwento ang lahat.

Lahat.

F is for Floyds (Part 2)

Now meet Floyd B.

I had come to know of Floyd B. when I was still assigned in Bicol. He was the friend of "my special friend". I really didn't think much of him because he was taking much of the time of "my special friend". Basta, he was the friend of my friend. Yun lang.

When I was transferred in the Visayas, I would meet Floyd B. again. This time, we talked because we had a common friend. Floyd was goodlooking. I really had a reason not to like him before since he spent a lot of time with "my special friend". He is an eye candy, just don't make him talk. He's pretty. Period. But because "my special friend" was what connected us, that was pretty much it between us. Kwentuhan lang.

A year later, we would meet again, still in the Visayas. We would exchange cell phone numbers and send SMS to each other. In this exchange, he would tell me that he found me cute and smart but couldn't act on it because of "my special friend" and that because he had a lover of seven years already, and that friends are all we ever could be.

Maybe friends with benefits.

One time, he sent me a text message, asking me to have dinner with him. We went to my favorite chicken inasal restaurant and then afterwards, he said he wanted to have a drink. We bought these bottled mixed cocktail drinks from the convenience store. We drank like it's the last night of the world. We had too much to drink that we felt horny.

"Saan ba place mo? Punta tayo dun." That's what Floyd B. said, or at least that's what I recalled him say, as the booze has taken the best of us that night.

I just realized that we were making out in the car. Lots of kissing. The next thing I knew, we were on my bed, naked and having sex. I'm not using the L-word here because I was just horny I think, or we were both horny. Turned out, we've had the sexual tension already from the time we first met. Floyd B. succinctly expressed it, "noon pa kita gusto matikman."

To me, Floyd B. was just a pretty face but he lacked the character I wanted from a partner. For Floyd B., I was just another conquest. Another trick, for when morning came, he knew where we was going home to - to the loving arms of his partner.

It was a night of lust, and that's all it would ever be.

Before he left, he said, "Ulitin natin 'to ha?"

I said, "Sure!" and then I yawned and fell asleep.

F is for Floyds (Part 1)

Meet Floyd A.

I first spotted Floyd A. in a domestic airport, on my flight back to Manila. It was a late Friday afternoon and the flight was delayed. There wasn't much to do in the waiting lounge and then Floyd A. caught my attention. I saw him looking at the photos of the Masskara Festival that were on display. He stood out in the chattering crowd. It wasn't about his height (he was tall at 5'10 or 5'11"); he had this presence that radiates in a mad mob of agitated passengers. He was tall, dark, and goodlooking in his jeans, shirt, and shoes that altogether made him look really well. He was, what most would call, an eye candy.

Finally we boarded our flight and I've forgotten about him already.

At the Manila airport, I would chance upon him again while flagging a cab. As always the case, to get a cab in the airport on a Friday night is a game in itself, a relay of obstacles that range from superbly agile passengers to unreasonable drivers. As if meant to be, we sort of agreed to share a cab so we could go home right away.

Inside the cab, we exchanged stories while stuck in traffic. More importantly, we traded cell phone numbers.

A day after, I would get a text message from him. We would send SMS to each other for about a week, until we decided to meet again. Our meeting place was a dimsum house in Malate. We had noodles and dumplings. After a lot of stories and several innuendoes, we decided to go over to my place (I was staying in a hotel because I had training in the office) and watch PBB. Of course, we just didn't watch PBB. We made love. Yes, I am using the word, "love". It was what seemed to prevail that night, in the four corners of the room. Lots of hugging, kissing, caressing, romancing...the works. ( May shower scene pa nga...LOL)

I was very attracted to Floyd A. He was not only charming but he was smart and personable. He was someone I could call for "real" and not for "trick". But that's as good as it gets for us. He wanted me but couldn't have me. He had a lover already and had a long line of fuckbuddies waiting for their chance with him. Wrong timing, and wrong person too.

* * * *

Parang nagplay sa utak ko ang kantang "Somewhere Down The Road." "We had the right love at the wrong time..."

Parang bullshit naman yun. "I want you pero may lover na ko...Ngayon lang kase tayo nagkakilala..." So kasalanan ko pa, ganon? Ang labo di ba? Kung talagang may nararamdaman ka for me, eh bakit di mo matapos relasyon mo sa lover mo at maging tayo? Dapat ganun yon.

Asan na ba si Floyd A.? I saw him on a variety show; he was part of a singing group. He had a string of TV commercial ads too. Sana matino na siya and doesn't play around anymore. Single kaya siya? Nampoocha, ang cute pa rin ng mokong. Hay.

Thinking Out Loud

Do you really love me or you've just gotten used to the idea of having someone to love and love you back because the idea of that gets you through your days?

Borrowed Lines #3

"Love is about taking a chance.

I don't know if we'll fall in love.

Love isn't a transaction...

Sometimes, you don't just get what you put in..."



So true. So true.

Borrowed Lines #2

for MI

"I hope you never steal, lie, or cheat on me...
But if you must then steal away loneliness from me;
if you must lie, lie next to me each morning I'd wake up;
and if you must cheat, cheat death that you may always be with me forever..."

That totally got me.

Borrowed Lines

I met this guy once.

It was epic.

Then the sun shone in and reality set in...


This is reality.

Come Home

Dear YOU:

Is there a happy ever after for us?

Waiting,
and waiting.
I miss you.

Come home soon.

Dear You

Dear You:

You let me down.

You disappoint me.

I thought you had it in you. I thought we would get along and be fine.

My bad to assume...You're incomprehensible. You're incorrigible.

Now we're not talking.

Who's to give up? Who's to win?

We all lose in the end.

Times A' Changing

How times have changed.


Before when two people would meet, they would go out first, get to know each other, and then decide if they wanna enter into relationship. After which, they would be intimate with each other.


Now, people meet up using false names and identity , and then hit the sack right away. After getting laid, they decide whether to get to know each other or move on to another hook-up.


C'est la vie.

Bedridden

An acquaintance told me his first impression of me. He confessed:

"Iba ka sa mga namimeet ko, kase hindi ka pang-kama..."

Was he paying me a compliment? Or must I be insulted by his comment?

I'm a bit baffled.

A Proposal

I remember getting this proposal through text:

"We can never be at peace and happy here. Dalhin kita sa Australia, malayo dito sa 'Pinas. Delikado ka kasing maiwan dito. Ayaw ko maagaw ka. Dun ka lang, i'll work tapos hintayin mo lang ako sa love nest natin. Bubuhayin kita. Magiging happy tayo dun."

My reaction: "LOL."

Sorry

While driving southbound, bigla na lang nagflashback sa akin ang mga taong nasabihan ko ng "NO"...

As I am writing this, I realize na two letters lang pala ang salitang NO pero napakapowerful nito. May kapangyarihan itong mangwasak ng mga pangarap, manakit ng mga damdamin, at marahil, mag-iwan pa ng sugat na sagad hanggang kaluluwa.

Hindi ko sinasadya. Hindi ko ginusto...Yeah right.

Hindi ako nagsasabi ng katotohanan...

May mga instances siguro na sinadya ko, kase naman clingy na. Ayaw ko nang ganun. Ang usapan, "trip" lang. Pag gusto lang, pag horny lang. Walang pilitan, walang expectations. Kung one night lang eh wala nang extension yun. Pag ganun, bad trip yun. Ayaw ko na, kaya "NO" na lang sa lahat.

Meron naman feeling BF kagad. Nag-eemote na; feeling may hold na sayo...Kailangang sabihan na rin ng "NO".

Alam ko masakit , but I just had to say NO para matigil na ang pretense, ang charade, ang trip na kunwari may feelings. Mas ok na ang one hard blow kesa i-prolong pa ang agony. Mas masakit ata yun in the long run.

I'm just sorry. I had to do it. For your sake. For world peace.

Falling Tree

Noong college, sa Philo class, laging itinatanong kung ano ang tunog ng pagbagsak ng puno sa kagubatan kung wala naman tao sa gubat at nakarinig nito?


May saysay ba ang blog na ito kung wala naman nagbabasa?


Sana may bumasa at may ma-touch ito.